Trauma: When you can't get over it
Posted: Friday, October 28, 2005
by Elizabeth Wellness
Wellness Counseling Center
Trauma
When You Can’t Get Over It
You know the situation-a friend goes through a bad time. They talk about it over and over because what happened was so horrible, shocking, scary, or unreal they can’t forget it. What is worse than someone talking about this horrible thing that happened over and over, is when they stop talking about it or refuse to talk about it. If this person is not talking about it or if this person refuses to talk about it, there is a problem. Trauma is serious. If you are the person who can’t get over something watch for these signs:
- You are having dreams or nightmares about what happened.
- Your thoughts suddenly flashback to what happened, usually when you see, hear, feel, taste, or hear something that reminds you of what happened.
- You are jumpy, more careful than you need to be. You look behind you more, check things more often, jump if someone touches you at the wrong time.
- You can’t stop thinking about it. Whatever "it" is, it is always on your mind when you are reminded of it. Sometimes it creeps up on you and you realize you re thinking about it.
- You are "working" to forget it. When you want to completely forget parts of your life, you are missing your life. Forgetting should not be a job.
- It is a big secret or you act like it never happened. No one talks about that time period, or you avoid certain subjects, it’s your "family secret," or it is your own darkest secret.
- You avoid anything that could possibly remind you of it. Don’t go down that street, don’t wear certain scents. You have a secret lists of "don’t" Breaking your secret list might make you think about it, cry, or have a bad dream
- You think you "learned your lesson." The lessons can be anything from "never trust anyone," "Nothing really matters," "Don’t trust men," "Women are all trash, use them up and throw them away" to "Get them before they get you," "Never drive car," or "Don’t go out after dark." They are usually negative and limit you from living your life fully and openly.
- You live numbly. You don’t care. Bad things happen, things change, people come, people go-whatever. You don’t care. You are protecting you and focus on having fun. Fun can be any form-work, friends, sex, sleep, partying, social skipping. Anything to keep your mind occupied-always.
- Aches, pains, headaches, and fatigue. Hold pain, stress, and fear in long enough and your own body will start sending you signs. It will keep bringing ailments until it brings you to your sick bed.
What Can Help
Usually, counseling and completing trauma recovery with a good trauma counselor is your best choice because you will need someone to guide you, push you, and support you. Try these tips. If they don’t help, then please seek counseling. Your life will improve immensely. Do it yourself tips:
- Write it down. What did you see? What happened? Get as detailed as possible. Then write how you feel about it. Do this again and read it out loud to one other person.
- Know your triggers. What makes you see or think of it? Don’t avoid them, understand them. What memories do they come from? Write those memories or tell at least one supportive person.
- What lessons did you learn? Identify them. Write them down. Are they logical? Are they fair? Or, do they only protect. Talk them out with someone. Look for evidence against these "lessons."
- What do you fear? Trauma creates fear. Being brutally honest. What is it that you fear? Abandonment? Violence? Rape? Heart break? Having feelings again? Pain? Crying? Figure it out.
- Know everyone’s roles. First know what the trauma is. Were you hurt by someone? Were you let down? Were you in a dangerous situation? Near death? Rape? Natural disaster? See something scary? Who are the players in this event. What do you think of them. Do you blame anyone or anything?
- Confront it. Someone hurt you. Tell them, but with forgiveness. Tell them they have no power over you because although you know what they do, you are no longer putting energy into hate. A counselor can help with this "clarification session." Don’t confront until you have completely assessed yourself and you have accepted the loss, tragedy, or situation. This MUST be done with directed support.
- Embrace your life. What happened in the past is part of your personal history. Don’t try to forget it. Know it personally, face the fears, and try something that you would normally not do. Start learning new lessons to live by. Live with thought and never wish your life away. Tell others that you trust and tell them what you learned.
Not sure if your symptoms are trauma related? Make a time line of your life. Any time periods blocked out of memory? See any loss? Trauma? Examine it. If it hurts to talk about it, you might want counseling for trauma recovery. Here are some examples of some of the many things that can cause trauma-related symptoms.
- Natural Disaster. Tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, hurricanes, deadly lightening, anything. Near it, watch it, in it-can all cause trauma.
- Accidents. Watched it or went through it, both can cause trauma. Car accidents, house fire, scary falls, household accidents, anything. Accidents are scary, unexpected, and unreal. If you went into shock, more likely it has become a trauma.
- Personal attacks. Again, if you watched it, were a witness or experienced it – it all could have caused trauma. Rape, attempted rape, a severe beating, being hit for the first time ever, robbery, mugging, anything that compromised your safety. Again, if you went into shock. More likely you will have trauma.
- Emotional pain. Did someone you count on neglect you? Too many break ups? Abandoned? Someone close die? Anything that hurt and still does.
- Childhood experiences. Molest, abuse, neglect, rejection, alienation-all horrifically painful at a time in life that you absolutely have no control. Little boys and little girls get hurt. It is a very serious matter that must be emotionally dealt with. However, there tends to be a barrier to avoiding trauma or getting trauma recovery, especially with men. The barriers to feeling better are usually embarrassment, shame, and being told too many times-get over it.
- Watching others get hurt. The news shows continual pain inflected on people, car accidents are on the side of the road, some one gets very hurt in front of you. Although not often recognized, but watching pain can traumatize very easily.
- Hurting someone else. Did you have to hurt someone? Did you accidentally hurt someone? Either case, you can hurt for too long and eventually feel trauma symptoms.
Elizabeth Roe 2005
wellness counseling center
This Article has been viewed 5,463 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)Thank you for your article. I have been traumatized very badly in several situations and suffer from panic attacks. I am reaching out now and have a great support group. I just want to be able to move on. I am going to try writting the stuff down. Great suggestions.
this article made me cry. i cant get over what happened to me, i want to see the doctor but i wouldnt know where to start.
i get dizzy spells when i feel anxious or stressed or am alone too long it is geeting to a point where i am too afraid to do anything because i feel like i am going to black out or something bad will happen
This article is very true and reflects alot of what I already know deep down, I had two very traumatic experiences in life and I black out both of them in order to cope. I paint on the smile in the hope they will go away but I have been getting worse and I dont know what to do or even if I can seek help. Sometimes I cant sleep for days where as other times I sleep but I have very disturbing dreams/nitemares related to the incident, I hardly eat and I just feel an overwhelming sense of terror. Ive tried to get help twice but ive never followed through because Im scared of going through all the pain, im scared to admit what happened to me. I dont know what to doI can understand what you're feeling. It's like it will never leave you alone. I even lost my identity and suffered from dissociation. See a counselor and keep going until you get relief. There is hope.
Thankyou, I have come to realise recently that I am still very much a prisoner to my past and this holds me back in so many situations, I want help so badly but I just cant make that step to recieve it. The article really helped me and the comments helped me to see that i am not alone. To everyone who leaves comments, I hope that things get better for you. xx
I have been trying to 'get over' my trauma for 29 years. I unknowingly went through the steps above to get help....but I got stuck on the 'confronting' stage. Sometimes I think it is just something that will never go away.
I was very hurt and neglected by family members. I was also blamed for something that I did not do. Since my family found out the truth, it has been a bit easier, but I still have feelings....Why did my family believe I could do such a thing? Why did my family believe another person over me? Why do they still turn their backs on me? Why do they still blame me because I have tried to take up for myself? All these things are real problems for me, and I am in my late fifties...Family abandonment issues are very difficult to deal with. I have had to let a major part of my life go in order to cope...The dynamics between my sister and I are so bad...Even though I am doing a lot better, my feelings about my family history are not getting any better?
I have a friend who i would get annoyed at at times about her staying in the past. But things got worse for her and i realised something was wrong; i can onto this website and it helped me understand her side of the situation and helped me understand what i could do with her to help her. This is a great help, i cannot thank you enough for this article. the worst is she lives in a disfunctional family and has hardly any contact with them, i do feel as though im the only one shes connected to thats why this article allows me to understand and think about my next steps. this has helped me a lot thank you once again, im sure this will help her a great deal.
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